feeling the pain a second time
or only over and over again
I sometimes wish I might die
but never follow through
it's not the lovely fainting away
you might think
despite the lovely names of
poison, arsenic and old lace
nightshade and belladona
are not your friends
some affected pale vision of girl
with a dark outlook might take the
names of such deadly flowers
but it becomes you not to drink such
a thing for how would you have your end?
a bloated thing with blotchy skin and bruises
a crime scene photo like marilyn?
a death mask if you're lucky
more likely just a long night of vomiting
or simply waking up hallucinating wildly
wondering if you're really still going to meet
your end and as the ambiguity was the whole
problem in the first place
this is worse and more immediate than
the question of
will I ever find anyone to love me?
wonder which of your friends can save you now
or should you brave the hospital
and be locked up for a week with PCP freaks
as a penance for your weakness
no I'll not try to die
it's just the ambiguity that's killing me
in the meanwhile



copyright 1999 raven victoria erebus